


Ask and Ye Shall Recieve

by minolyn



Series: Ask and Ye Shall Recieve [2]
Category: Ylvis
Genre: Balle - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, Other, Smut, Valle, Ylviscest, brofeels, depending on which 'chapter' you read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2015-09-10
Packaged: 2018-03-02 11:40:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 12,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2810798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minolyn/pseuds/minolyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I've been asked to start collecting my prompted short stories here on AO3, so here they are. Enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Smoke and Honey Santa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prompt: what about a mixed up secret santa ficlet?
> 
> tags: no shipping, christmas, Vegard, Bård, Calle.

Vegard stuffed the smallish box into his coat before zipping it up when he came out of his car in the parking lot. It was their last day before the entire office went on their collective Christmas vacation, aka the day they revealed their secret Santas. He wandered into their floor and looked around. He wasn’t surprised to find he was the first one there. It was, after all, only 7:00am.  
Placing the carefully wrapped gift on his unsuspecting recipient’s desk, he went on to his own office to get some work done in the quiet.

Time went by, people seeped into the office one by one, all except the one he was waiting for. What’s more, more and more presents were piling up beside his on the unmanned desk.  
Bård came into their shared office, glancing back at the suspicious desk, still holding a gift in his hand.

“Can you believe this?”

“I knew we shouldn’t have left him in charge of secret Santa.” Vegard shook his head, “he’s always pulling annoying pranks this time of year.”

A loud, theatrical gasp sounded from the main room.

“For me?? All of this?! You really shouldn’t have, you guys!”

Calle was milking the joke for all it was worth, acting like an emotional pregnant woman at her baby shower. Vegard came and stood beside his brother in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest and a reluctant smile on his face.

"But no, I can’t accept all this just like that… Oh, if only I’d known this was going to happen, I would have prepared something for all of you too.."

People were laughing at his performance, and smiles widened on those who began to realize what he was getting at.

"I would have perhaps come in late last night, taken over one of the tables in the cafeteria and filled it with gifts for each and every one of you…"

Everyone laughed. They knew what was happening, but hesitated to go downstairs before he was done talking. The office was at a complete stand still for three seconds, all eyes on Calle, who completely without warning screamed, “ **GO!** "  
Everyone took off immediately in the direction of the stairs, including Vegard who got completely swept up in the excitement and dashed past Calle with a gleeful grin on his face.

Bård strolled over to Calle’s side, both of them watching the people go. When the last one was out, Calle turned his gaze to his friend. 

"If you don’t hurry, Vegard might steal your present." He said with a wink.

Bård only smiled and handed him his gift, “Well played, Larsen. Great way to make sure you never have to handle Secret Santa again.”

"Tusen hjertelig takk, my friend, that was precisely what I wanted for Christmas." Calle said, bowing his head and grinning up at him with self satisfaction, as Bård turned to follow the others out the door.


	2. Naked as the Day He was Born

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prompt: "I was taking a shower in the hall bathroom and someone stole my towel so now I have to make a break for it down the hall to my room as naked as the day I was born and I didn’t see you when I rounded the corner until I slammed right into you" AU - - - oh my godd please write this!
> 
> tags: valle, Vegard, Calle, College AU, nudity, no smut, fluff I guess?

_"I feEEL GOod! tanaNAnaNAnaNA.. I knew that I WOULD, _tanaNAnaNAnaNA.._.”_

The shower room had finally emptied of all the other boys after the morning rush. Vegard was one of the few with a free period that day, so he could take his time, wait until everyone was gone and belt it out in the shower as he liked. He knew that at home nobody minded, but he was still a bit shy about it in college. There were few things he loved doing more than his James Brown impression, and today was sounding particularly awesome, he was almost sorry Bård wasn’t there to hear it. When the hot water turned threateningly warm, he finally got out of his stall, happily slicking back all the curls out of his face. He headed for the bench where he’d left his towel and toiletries, but nothing was there. He searched the rows of benches throughout the entire bathroom, they were all empty. His stuff was gone.

'You've gotta be kidding me…' he thought to himself in disbelief, slowly looking up at the door leading to the student's dorm room hallway.

There was no other option.

He peeked his head out through a slit in the doorway to make sure the coast was clear. Thank goodness, most people had classes this time of day, the hall appeared to be deserted. The rest were probably sleeping in.  
He was already beginning to shiver from the cold water still stuck to his body, though he’d tried to use the hand dryer to at least stop dripping all over the place before braving the outside.   
'the sooner you do this, the sooner you get to your spare towel and warm blanket.' he told himself, bouncing on the balls of his feet and finally launching himself out and across the hall.

He never was much of a runner. But today he gave it his all, knowing there was still a left turn ahead of him for the continuation of the hall before he could reach his room. He had no way of checking if anyone was out there, but maybe if he streaked by fast enough they wouldn’t see that it was him. At least the carpeted floor kept him from slipping on his damp feet. So far so good, he was fast approaching the turning point and not even a far off sound of footsteps could be heard, only his nervous breathing and heart pounding in his own ears. He made a mental note to avoid the coffee machine standing just around the corner, and yet still slammed right into something, putting his rush to an abrupt, hot and sticky halt.

"Oh for fuck’s… Vegard?!"

He looked up to find none other than Calle, still in his pajamas, a scarf around his neck and now coffee stains all over his over-sized T-shirt. Vegard only danced in place, trying to cover himself up and still react to the pain of having scalding coffee all over his chest and legs.

"You’re paying me back for that coffee." Calle said plainly.

"I have slightly bigger problems right now, Calle?!" Vegard hissed at him, shaking harder than ever.

The blonde boy pointedly looked down at what Vegard was trying to cover up and chuckled, “I’ll say! Bigger indeed.. Come on.”

"Where?" Vegard stared after him as he started walking away, trying to ignore the deep shade of scarlet his face was slowly turning.

"To my room. I’ll give you something to dry off… Unless you want to keep running around the halls for everyone to see?"

This felt weird. He’d only ever talked to Calle a few times. He supposed he did like him, but he really didn’t feel like he knew him well enough to go into his room buck naked like this. But his options at the moment were very limited…

"Here. Get the coffee off yourself first." Calle handed him a pack of wet-wipes once they were inside. Vegard thanked him and set to getting rid of the brown stuff, while the other busied himself around the room, picking up things like a towel, a sweater, a pair of socks..

"You can sit down there." He pointed at a bottom bunk to his right. It was unmade, the duvet scrunched up at the bottom of the mattress and the pillow wrinkled and askew.

"Are you sure?"

"You’re fresh out of the shower right? How dirty could you possibly be? Go ahead."

Vegard took a seat tentatively on the edge of the bed and went back to work with the wet-wipes. Calle then knelt down in front of him, setting the pile of clothes he’d gathered down on the floor beside him.

"What are you doing?" Vegard asked.

"You’ll start sneezing any minute now, I’m lending you a pair of socks." He replied as he unrolled the pair and took one of Vegard’s cold feet in his warm hands.

"You don’t have to.."

"It’ll be faster if we work together on this. You clean, I’ll do this."

Vegard opened his mouth to say something else, but he couldn’t think of a counter argument, so he gave up and let the other boy put socks on his feet, and afterwards rub each one to get more blood flowing to them.  
The intimacy of the situation, as they both worked quietly, did not escape Vegard, and he was surprised at how calm Calle seemed to be, to the point where he actually managed to make Vegard feel less uncomfortable about it.

"Aren’t you… weirded out by this?" He asked finally. Calle looked up at his face, but not before lingering half a second on his nether regions.

"It’s just your body, Vegard. And it’s a nice looking body. There’s nothing to be ashamed of."

The dark haired boy didn’t know how to respond to this.

"Are you done?"

”..? Oh! Yeah, I think so..” Vegard answered, realizing he meant whether he was done cleaning himself.

"Good, then put this on." Calle handed him a large sweater and he slipped it on. It was easily long enough to cover his crotch at the very least.

"I’m sorry, but I don’t think I have pants that fit you.."

"Oh, of course. That’s alright, I can go like this to my room and get my own clothes. Thanks for this.. for everything, really."

"No problem."

Silence fell between them. They looked each other in the eyes, Vegard very aware of the fact that Calle’s hands were resting lightly on his ankles, but he didn’t mind it.

He didn’t actually feel like leaving just yet.


	3. Spit It Out, Calle!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prompt: Challenge. Write a FUN story about Calle confessing Vegard he likes Bard. 
> 
> tags: balle (kind of, I mean Bård's not actually in it), Vegard, Calle, fluff, mostly dialogue tbh

"For god’s sake Calle, you’re making me nervous."

Vegard was sat on his sofa, watching Calle pace back and forth across his living room after having told him he needed to speak with him about something very important. He’d arrived less than half an hour ago, with a six pack of beers, two of which he’d already downed whilst Vegard was still working on his first.

"This is hard enough without you rushing me." Calle said to the floor, and Vegard raised his hands in surrender as a response, leaning back on the sofa and gathering patience for the wait.   
But there wasn’t much to be found.

"Look, can you at least tell me what the subject matter is? Is it work related?"

Calle paused in his tracks to think, a very hesitant look on his face, “Potentially.. though not directly?”

"Great.." Vegard muttered, That was hardly a helpful answer.

"Do you need money?"

"What?! No! Why would you even think that?!" Calle exclaimed, resuming his back and forth route around the room.

"You’re giving me very little to go on here, buddy. Just throw me a word, at the very least!"

Again, Calle stopped. He licked the corner of his lips, as he was one to do, and looked Vegard directly in the eyes.

"Bård." He said.

"I’m Vegard, Calle."

"I know that. I mean, Bård is the subject matter."

"Oh.." Vegard was nonplussed, "What about him?"

"Is he.." Calle hesitated again, tapping one of his feet nervously on the carpet. Vegard shook his head slowly as he kept eye contact, needing more words.

"Sick? Hungry? Retarded?" He offered.

"Available! Is he available!" Calle spat out before Vegard could keep going with any more ridiculous guesses. Vegard wasn’t sure whether he was being dead-pan or actually, honestly unamused by the interaction.

"Available..? Available for what?"

Calle took a deep breath and said in a low voice, looking up at the ceiling, “Is he seeing anybody?”

But Vegard was still as confused as ever, “Seeing..? Seeing who, what the fuck are you talking about?”

"Is Bård DATING anyone, JESUS!!" Calle finally bellowed, making Vegard jump a little in his seat.

"Uh.. I don’t think so? Why, do you know someone who’s interested?"

"Yeah.." Calle used a tone oozing with sarcasm. He couldn’t believe Vegard wasn’t catching on yet. "Me."

A moment’s blank expression on Vegard’s face as he processed the news was quickly replaced with mildly surprised nonchalance.

"Okay.. So what do you want from me?"

"I guess.. I just want to know.. are you okay with it?"

"I’m not his father, Calle."

"Does that mean you are?"

"Uh, Sure?"

"But do you think he’d be interested?"

"I don’t know that! …Maybe? I.." He let out an exasperated sigh instead of whatever words thought to come out, "I’m really not involved in his love life, and quite frankly, I couldn’t give less of a shit. You’ll have to take it up with him."

"Okay… I will then." Calle said quietly.

"Good. Good luck with it." Vegard answered, and an awkward silence followed.


	4. Take Me Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prompt: Can you write me a small fluffy bård Vegard fic please?
> 
> tags: ylviscest, cheeky fluff, Vegard, Bård

"Sweet.."

"Beautiful.."

"Funny.."

"Okay, stop."

"Adorable.."

"Bård, I got it."

"Sexy.. Delicious.."

Bård sat glued to Vegard’s side while he tried to work, arms around his reluctant body and pecking his cheek after each compliment, making it quite impossible for him to really work.

Vegard giggled and shoved his face away, “I can’t concentrate like this!!”

"Good! Then let’s go home."

The older brother sighed, ever the responsible one, “we have to finish this..”

"We can finish it tomorrow. I can’t concentrate right now either." With his words he slowly leaned in closer until his mouth was at Vegard’s ear. He extended his tongue and very gently licked his earlobe, sending a ticklish, pleasurable shiver down his spine.  
Vegard groaned, frustrated by his own weakness for Bård’s special attention. He always knew how to get him to do what he wanted, ever since the little shit had learned how to communicate.   
He made one last feeble attempt to get back to work, desperately ignoring the tongue in his ear. But when Bård reached down into his lap and groped his crotch, he shoved the laptop away and turned his entire body towards him, attacking his lips with an aggravated kiss. Bård didn’t notice him standing up from his chair until Vegard suddenly broke the kiss, bent over and lifted him in a fireman’s carry.

"Oof! What are you doing?!" Bård laughed as Vegard adjusted his body’s position on his shoulder.

"Taking you home." Vegard replied simply, turning towards the office exit.

"You’re just gonna carry me out like this to the parking lot?"

"Mm-hmm."

"But what if someone sees..?"

Vegard gave his butt a sharp slap, eliciting a yelp from the younger brother, “Quiet now. No talking until you’re in bed, mister.”

Bård doubted very much that Vegard would manage to carry him all the way down to the car, but he did as he was told all the same.


	5. Drunk Dialing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prompt: "i drunk dialed you one night and i think i asked you to come over to fuck me into the mattress and come on my face .. out of all the people i could have called while drunk and say those things, it just had to be you-ylviscest pls and thank"
> 
> tags: ylviscest, Vegard, Bård, hangover, no smut, written in the first person for some unknown reason?

I woke up with the most horrible feeling. It might have had something to do with the hammer that seemed to be banging away relentlessly at the inside walls of my skull, or the dead fish trying to crawl up and out of my throat, but something in my shriveled up gut told me the hangover wasn’t the reason I felt like I’d done something unbelievably stupid last night. By some unknown force, my hand found the phone on the nightstand and dragged it to my face. Even through my closed eyelids the light was absolutely unbearable, shooting through my skin, grabbing onto my retinas and yanking them, trying to rip them out of my head. I did what any sensible person would do in a situation like this.   
I shoved the phone off the side of the bed.

Thoughts were slow to come, I couldn’t think whether I should try to lose consciousness again or crawl to the bathroom and help the dead fish out, perhaps even swallow a tube of toothpaste to get rid of the smell. I may have heard the door open, but I didn’t realize it until someone was standing in my room, yelling at me. It was even longer before I understood that it was Vegard, and he was saying my name.

"Bård! Bård, wake up right now!" He said, and then he grabbed my shoulder and pushed me until I was lying on my back. There was way too much light in the room.

"Mmmmhh what the fuck, Vegard..?"

"Open your eyes."

"Why?"

"Because I want you to look at me."

I spend 95% of my life looking at him, I couldn’t fathom why it was so important that I look at him right that moment, but I wasn’t in much position to resist the commanding tone in his voice. Like separating two mutually attracted magnets, I slowly convinced my eyelids to part, revealing two or three of my older brother standing one inside the other. I assumed the middle one was the only one that was actually there, he seemed more solid than the other two. He still had his jacket on. Black leather jacket, mmm… A mental image crept up of him wearing nothing but that jacket while he fu-

"…Oh no…"

"Ah, somebody’s getting their memory back, huh?" The three Vegards put their hands on their hips but I tried to turn away from the sight, attempting to curl up in a little ball of shame until he’d give up and leave. But he grabbed my shoulder again, forcing me onto my back once more. I had to settle for covering my face with my hands.

"See, imagine my surprise, when I wake up this morning.." He was talking now, I tried to groan loud enough to make him stop but he wouldn’t, "..and find not only that you’d called at 3:46am, but that apparently it was important enough for you to leave a voice message, of all things!"

He was quiet for a few seconds, but I knew what was coming. My own stupid fucking voice sounded from his phone’s speaker, making me want to rip all the skin off my face.

_"Aww Vegard, you’re asleep… I wish I could wake you but I think I’m going to pass out soon."_

I have such a stupid laugh when I’m drunk, god.

_"But listen. I was just thinking how great it would be, how fucking HOT it would be.. if you came over and fucked me into the mattress of this.. very nice bed that I’m on right now.. But I also thought about how I wonder, you know, I’ve wondered for a very long time, what your cum tastes like…"_

There was a rather long silence after that statement. For some reason I could picture myself getting lost in that thought for a while and altogether forgetting I was talking to Vegard’s voice mail. Perhaps that was all there was to it and I hung up after a while. But no such luck.

_"So I thought that after you fuck me, but like, before you come, you can come on my face and then I can finally, finally, finally taste it…………….. uh…"_

And that was the end of the dreadful message. I seemed to have mercifully gotten distracted and hung up, despite perhaps having more to say. I had to peek at Vegard’s face through my fingers to see his reaction, but it was unreadable.

"Did you mean all that?"

I could have lied. I could have said I meant to call somebody else. He would have chosen to believe me, even though I clearly said his name in the message, and we could forget that this ever happened.

"Yes."

He stared at me for what felt like forever. Perhaps he was trying to figure out whether or not I was being serious. I felt incredibly vulnerable lying there under his scrutiny. I’d just about decided to get up and start explaining myself when he suddenly said “Okay.” and started taking off his jacket.


	6. The Book of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prompt: Umm, would it be alrighty if I asked you to write something cesty about the two of them being in a karaoke bar, singing 'The Book of Love'?
> 
> tags: ylviscest, Vegard, Bård, random unnamed family members, karaoke, cavity inducing FLUFF, romance, angst a little bit I suppose?

Vegard felt sorry for insisting Bård come along to the karaoke bar birthday party. It was an uncle’s landmark birthday and the whole family decided to take the opportunity to get together and do something stupid. His younger brother was clearly in a terrible mood that day, and had intended to fake some illness and stay home, but Vegard didn’t want to have to face it alone.

Bård seemed to be losing patience with the fact that they had to keep the depth of their relationship a secret. Vegard was always a pretty private person, so he had no trouble keeping his personal issues hidden from the world around him, but he knew Bård enjoyed public displays of affection, and more than anything wished he could at least hug his brother in front of other people without everyone flipping out for one reason or another.  
He understood the risk, knew Vegard was right and that they should be extra careful, but it was difficult and weighed heavily on his heart.

He was barely bothering to feign merriment around the dinner table as everyone else around them laughed and talked away. Vegard sat on the opposite side of the table, half aware that Bård was probably staring at him most of the time he was trying to focus on a conversation with the relative beside him. He tried to sneak a reassuring glance at him every once in a while, but was only met with a bitter glare.

"So Vegard, when are we getting a song from you tonight?" One of their cousins yelled from the far end of the long table. Vegard took a moment to realize he was being addressed, confused by dually focusing on Bård and his conversation partner.

"Hm? Oh, I don’t know.. I’m not sure I feel up for it tonight." He said, automatically looking at Bård, but he divulged nothing helpful in his expression.

The whole family raised their voices in protest and encouragement.

"Why do you think we’re at a karaoke bar?"

"Come on now, blow us away!"

"Do it for me, Vegard!"

Finally he raised his hands in surrender and stood up from his chair, “Alright, alright! Just to shut you all up!” He quipped and a wave of chuckles and laughter went around the table. He approached the computer monitor beside the stage and had a look at the song selection. Lots of classics, but none that he particularly felt like singing. After a minute’s search he managed to find something perfect.

The music started playing and a hush fell over the table. Bård thought he recognized it but it wasn’t until Vegard started singing that he remembered what it was.

 _"The book of love is long and boring._  
No one can lift the damn thing.  
It’s full of charts and facts and figures,  
and instructions for dancing.”  


When Vegard broke into the chorus, closing his eyes and setting his voice free, the entire restaurant cheered. All save Bård who watched, and waited.

_"But I… I love it when you read to me.  
and you… You can read me anything.”_

Performer that he was, throughout the second verse he sang each line to someone else in the crowd, causing each and every one of them to grin with glee at the special attention. Bård waited, nothing even close to a smile on his face. Then it came,

_"But I… I love it when you sing to me.  
And you… You can sing me anything.”_

The brown eyes found his, for two whole lines not wavering left or right. Twenty seconds of shameless, out in the open eye contact Vegard dared, knowing everyone was too mesmerized by the song to really notice who he was looking at. The ice that had formed in Bård’s heart over the past few days melted away, turning into tears threatening to spill out of his overflowing eyes. He had to force a laugh, rubbing the wetness out of his eyes as he did, and Vegard continued the song to the rest of the room.


	7. Their Very First Selfie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prompt: "i saw you taking selfies and i wondered if i could take one with you" AU
> 
> tags: brofeels, baby ylvis, Vegard, Bård, selfies

Six year old Bård woke up groggy from his nap. It had been a quiet day after a rather rough night, so in the middle of the day he fell asleep next to his small pile of picture books. The late afternoon sunlight pouring through the window made the room too bright for him to keep sleeping, however. He looked around him and quickly assessed that Vegard wasn’t there.

Wandering slowly out into the hallway, he rubbed his eyes and dragged his feet, hoping Vegard had found something fun to do and wasn’t just playing with his model airplanes again. When he made it to the living room he found his 9 year old brother lying upside down on the couch, his feet on the back-rest and his head and arms dangling off the edge towards the floor. In his hands he held a large contraption. Bård watch with curiosity as Vegard, taking no notice of his presence, pointed the thing at his own face, pressed a button and it made a loud click and whining noise, before spitting out a small piece of paper. He then set the thing down and took the paper, flapping it around ridiculously and then staring at it.

"What’s that?" Bård called attention to himself, though still standing in the corner some meters away. Vegard looked up at him with the blank expression that meant his mind was elsewhere, but it was coming back.

"Papa gave me a Polaroid camera. Come, see." He beckoned and rolled himself down to sit properly on the floor.

"What’s a polerod camera?" Bård asked, sitting down beside his big brother and looking at the piece of paper he held. Before his eyes, unbelievably, a picture was forming. It was Vegard’s upside down face.

"Polaroid. It’s a camera that prints your pictures right away, see?" Vegard handed him the nearly developed picture of himself and picked up the camera once more. He pointed it at Bård and said, "make a face!"

As if he’d been expecting it, Bård stuck his tongue out sideways and crossed his eyes immediately, and Vegard snapped the picture. Again, the camera whirred and whined until it spit out a blank piece of paper. 

"Why didn’t it work?" Bård asked, disappointed.

"It worked, just give it a minute."

Together they sat and stared at the photo as it slowly developed before their eyes. It was like magic, Bård thought.

"Do you know how it works?"

"Not yet, but I found a book about cameras, I’ll read up on it and tell you later."

Bård was glad sometimes that his older brother was so into trivia. That way he often didn’t have to bother finding things out on his own, he would just have Vegard do it and explain what little bits of information actually interested him.

"Can we both be in a picture?"

"Sure. Get up on the sofa behind me so we’ll both fit."

Vegard gestured over his shoulder, and Bård jumped up to do as he was told. He laid on his stomach across the width of the sofa and placed his chin on Vegard’s shoulder while he got ready, positioning the camera in front of them with his outstretched arms as far away as he could get them.


	8. Man's Gotta Do What a Man's Gotta Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prompt: All I want for Christmas is a lil' smutty Balle fic, where C makes B masturbate in front of him. Pretty please?
> 
> tags: balle, smut, masturbation, mr. saxobeat reference, Bård, Calle, Vegard (in passing)

Who’s fucking stupid idea it was to film that Mr. Saxobeat video?

This hadn’t happened to Bård since he was a teenager. But that crazy party they threw for the clip, the music pumping through their veins, water and confetti everywhere, Vegard and Calle and himself taking off their drenched shirts, the dancing, the hair flips, the glistening wet skin, by the end of the shooting he had a raging hard on straining against the zipper of his trousers. Once the director yelled “cut!” and the music stopped Bård made a run for the exit. Vegard called after him but he waved him away, saying “Gotta pee!” and he wasn’t followed. That should buy him a few minutes.

He found the bathroom and ducked into the one and only stall, already breathing heavily from the leftover adrenaline. He fumbled at his buttons and zipper, desperate to get his pants and underwear out of the way. Finally, his erection sprung free of its fabric restrains. He leaned back against the wall and sighed as he took it in his hand and began jerking. He would finish himself off quick and get back to work, no one needed to know.   
Images of the previous scene danced around behind his closed eyelids. Calle’s shirt flying open as he was being filmed in front of the wind machine, the sight of his smooth chest and the straight up erotic look in his eyes. His heart beat in his ears and he jerked faster. It felt so good. It felt so good…

The door to his stall swung open, nearly giving him a heart attack. Reflexively, he tried to shove himself back into his pants and looked up to see who it was. He must have forgotten to lock the door.

"Oop! Sorry!" Calle said, looking just as alarmed as he was, but the moment he looked down at Bård’s situation he cracked a smile, "You too?"

"What?!" Bård asked. He couldn’t believe Calle was still standing there looking at him trying to cover himself, he didn’t even have enough blood in his brain to understand the implication of the question.

"I’ve got the most painful boner from that filming, you have no idea. I was just going to rub it out real quick before I leave, but it looks like you’ve had the same idea." Calle explained and, as if to emphasize his point, wiggled uncomfortably in his trousers.

"Right.. uh.. this is awkward." Bård really didn’t know what else to say. He also didn’t know why he was still so damn hard, he thought the embarrassment would surely have some effect on his libido.

"Mind if I join you?"

"Huh?"

"I can’t go out like this. I’m pitching a tent big enough to shelter a family here, I need to get rid of it." Calle laughed desperately, dancing around uncomfortably on the balls of his feet.

Bård knew how he felt. His cock twitched excitedly at the idea, but he was still so embarrassed.. But they were guys, right? And friends at that. Maybe he could convince himself not to feel too weird about it.

"Alright, sure."

Calle let himself in and locked the door behind him. He quickly undid his pants and with barely a glance at Bård started taking care of himself, leaning against the opposite wall, his head bowed and eyes shut tight. Bård watched him go for a few seconds before he gathered the courage to resume his own activity. His cock felt harder than it had ever been, despite the awkwardness of the situation. Watching Calle masturbate in the flesh in front of him was ten times the aphrodisiac the party was. By the time Calle half opened his clear blue eyes and looked at him, Bård was tugging just about as fast as he could go.

Complete silence in the bathroom stall reigned, aside from the quiet slapping noises of their handy-work and their quick, shallow breaths. Each stared at the other’s nether regions shamelessly, barely even blinking for fear of missing even a single stroke.   
Bård let out a tiny moan, and Calle responded with his own almost immediately before he could stop himself. One elicited the other, soon an intimate dialogue of moans, grunts and groans emerged, one sound feeding off the other and Bård didn’t even notice he’d left the wall he was leaning against and started moving closer to the other.

He didn’t know what he was doing. He pressed their foreheads together, breathing into each other’s mouths without their lips actually touching, staring into each other’s eyes, bodies vibrating with the intense sexual act and hearts beating completely out of control. Bård must have sunk to his knees because the next thing he knew, he had his lips wrapped around Calle’s dick and was sucking and licking it feverishly. Calle’s moans got even louder than before, his knees were weak and he grabbed Bård’s head, massaging it with his long fingers through his hair. All the while Bård kept stroking himself, and it wasn’t long before Calle’s breaths caught mid-way and he just barely managed to utter the words “I’m gonna cum!”

Bård took as much of it in as he could without choking, tonguing his flesh inside his mouth and with a loud grunt Calle blew his load directly into the back of his throat, his entire body jerking as he did. The sounds he made were so exquisite, Bård massaged himself into climax shortly after, his own relieved moans muffled by Calle’s cock still in his mouth.


	9. Can't you Understand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prompt: Hi, I would absolutely love a fic where Vegard's cat dies and he's upset by Bård's apparent lack of empathy. However, Bård ultimately redeems himself and helps Vegard through his grief. I don't mind if it gets cesty.
> 
> tags: brofeels, (not cest), Vegard, Bård, angst

It’s been days. What on earth was the matter with him?

Once again Bård caught his brother just sitting in his chair, staring emptily into space with the most beaten expression he had ever seen. It was just a damn cat, it didn’t even live for very long. Vegard had only had the stupid thing for two years, but somehow he’d managed to grow so attached to it that, when it died, he completely overreacted.

The first day there was no talking to him. He answered no phone calls and refused to come to work. The next day he showed up but was practically useless. Bård would catch his face scrunching up every now and then, holding back his apparent misery. After that he sort of went back to normal, but there was just no spark to him anymore. He wouldn’t crack jokes, and sometimes not even get the ones that were told to him. He barely came up with any script ideas, but would at least confirm when something someone else came up with was good enough to use. They were supposed to be performing in two days, Bård didn’t know what to do to snap him out of it. Scolding him out of it wasn’t working, Vegard only reacted with hurt and agitation.

"Hey."

Vegard slowly looked up at his younger brother, coming out of his daze, “Hey.. Do you need something..?”

"No, it’s 23:00 at night. I was thinking of going home. Do you want me to drop you off?"

Vegard sighed, “no, that’s okay. I think I’ll walk.”

Bård blinked.

"But it’ll take you almost an hour to get home."

"Yeah, well… It’s not like I have anything to come home to."

"Is that what this is all about? You’re lonely?"

"No, Bård, I’m not fucking lonely. I just miss my damn cat, okay?"

Bård said nothing. He was skeptical that that was all there was to it. He held his own under Vegard’s glare until the older brother’s eyes once again filled up with pain, something clearly happening behind them in his mind, and he dropped his gaze to the floor.

"What? What is it?" Bård pushed.

Vegard opened his mouth to speak but at first nothing came. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it. Go away.”

"No, you can’t do that now, Vegard. We’re running out of time." Bård insisted, placing his hands on his hips decisively.

"Fine, don’t go. I’ll leave." Vegard got up and grabbed his jacket, still not looking up from the floor.

"The fuck you will!" Bård raised his voice, irritated with how juvenile he was being.

"Watch me." Vegard said coldly, walking quickly towards the door.

"Vegard, come on!" Bård pushed him back by his shoulder as he was about to pass him, harder than he intended, and almost backed down for the look of outrage in his eyes.

"What, Bård?! What do you want me to say? You don’t give a shit anyway, you never did! It’s just a stupid cat, right? Not a little, helpless LIFE that depended on ME to care for it, love it, realize when something is wrong and fix it in time! Cats don’t live two years, Bård, they can live to be twenty! I didn’t lose my car keys, I lost a life, can’t you understand that?! I failed him! I…"

His voice broke, tears rolling down his reddened cheeks for the first time in Bård didn’t even know how long.

He honestly just didn’t think of cats that way, but he was at least beginning to fathom how Vegard might feel. For a moment he tried to imagine himself in that situation with his own child, and almost immediately pushed the idea away. It was too painful to think about. It wasn’t the same, not even close, but Vegard didn’t have any children yet so maybe his paternal instinct had been mistakenly placed over the cat.

He watched his brother’s red, anguished eyes, speechless. He hoped that his own eyes displayed the sympathy he was beginning to feel.

"I failed him…" Vegard repeated quietly.

"You did the best you could." Bård said, but Vegard shook his head.

"I should have seen.. I should have known something was wrong…"

"Vegard, you couldn’t have known. Cats can’t tell you when they’re feeling. You’re a busy man, you can’t sit and stare at your cat all day. It’s true that they can live 20 years, but many die younger. That’s just the way things are. You kept him happy for two whole years, I’m sure he was grateful for that."

That was the first thing he’d said in days that seemed to have any kind of positive effect on him. They stood in silence together for a few moments, Vegard wiping his face on his sleeve.

“Come on.” Bård said finally, clapping his arm lightly, “Let’s go home.”

They made their way together towards the exit of the office building. Halfway there Bård pulled out his cell phone.

“Who are you calling?” Vegard asked.

“Maria, to let her know I’m staying with you tonight.”


	10. I had a Feeling He’d Come to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prompt: OMG consider: the “i work at a movie theatre and i’m cleaning up after the movie is over and you’re the only person left because you’re ugly crying with popcorn over your lap” AU
> 
> tags: no shipping, brofeels, Calle, Vegard, Bård, teenage!ylvis, fluff
> 
> ...and I kinda forgot about the popcorn, but oh well.

The last screening of the night finally reached it’s end credits and Calle waited patiently for everyone to mosey their way out of the theater at their leisure. It would be a long time before he would be able to do the same, there was much for a movie usher to do after the screen went dark. When the last person left, he started going up the rows of seats with a huge trash bag, picking up leftover coca cola cups and popcorn boxes of varying sizes. He didn’t know if it was out of disrespect for him and his peers or simply because they couldn’t see what they were doing in the dark, that people always left the theater so filthy after themselves.  
He chose to believe the latter, wanting more hope in the goodness and innocence of humanity.

A loud sniff from the direction of the back row caught his attention, and he looked up to see where it had come from. It took him a second to recognize Bård Ylvisåker sitting at the dark, far end corner of the theater, his knees to his chest on the chair and his head resting on them, his entire body shaking with what appeared to be crying.

"Bård?" The fourteen year old boy raised his head to the sound of his name. Sure enough, his eyes were red and his cheeks stained with drying tears. Calle dropped the bag of garbage and jogged up the steps until he reached him and sat on the chair beside him, "what’s the matter?"

It was a couple of second before the boy had managed to stop crying long enough to answer, “Vegard hates me..”

"What? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! Why do you think that?" Calle laughed, though his eyes still displayed seriousness and concern.

"It’s true! He said so, he told me he hates me and to get the fuck out of his face forever!" Bård sobbed, stamping his foot on the seat, making the whole row shake a little.

"I’m sure he didn’t mean it, Bård.."

"He did. He did mean it. You should have seen him…"

It was hard to reason with an emotionally distressed teenager, Calle knew. It would take an hour to convince him how impossible it was for Vegard to actually hate him, his little brother, and neither of them had that kind of time.

"Well, what did you do?" Was all Calle could think to say next.

"I just.. He was out so I went to his room to see.. I don’t know. I went through his things.."

Calle made a loud hum of disapproval and scrunched up his face, knowing what a terrible idea that was.

"I just wanted to see what was more interesting than me now! He never talks to me anymore, he doesn’t want to do anything together…”

"So what did you find?"

"Nothing. I didn’t have time to, he was suddenly behind me, he punched my arm and screamed at me.." Bård rubbed his arm where he must have been hit. Knowing him, it was probably still a bit sore.

"Aw kiddo.." Calle said and placed his hand on the kid’s back, rubbing it sympathetically.

"I just miss him sometimes.." Bård whined, hesitantly making eye contact, "He’s my best friend."

"I know.. He’ll get over himself, don’t worry about it. He’s just too busy being an idiot and pretending to grow up. But we can’t stay here right now. Why don’t you help me clear up and then I’ll walk you home, okay?"

Bård nodded in agreement and they both got to work on cleaning up the theater hall. Once everything was done and Calle clocked out of work, they made for the exit, the older boy’s arm slung protectively over the youngster’s shoulders.

"There you are."

Both boys turned to see Vegard straighten up from his leaning position against the outer wall of the cinema house. Bård said nothing, only stared at the ground, frowning.

"Hey. I heard you two had a little fight." Calle said, keeping his arm around Bård.

"Something like that, yeah. I had a feeling he’d come to you." Vegard said. He kept his eyes on his brother, who still refused eye contact, "Mamma and Pappa sent me out to bring you home."

"I was about to take him myself, but seeing as you’re here now.." Both the older boys looked down at Bård, who seemed to be blinking more than necessary and leaning into Calle’s side.

"Bård?" Vegard addressed his brother.

"What." The boy answered unenthusiastically, still staring at the ground.

"Do you want Calle to come with us?"

There was a bit of a pause, and then Bård nodded his head. Vegard smiled up at Calle and tilted his head, suppressing a chuckle.

"You heard the man. Let’s go." He went up to Bård’s other side, threw an arm over his shoulders as well and the three made their way down the dark, empty street.


	11. Totally Worth It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prompt: we want veballe
> 
> tags: veballe, vegard, bård, calle, fluff.
> 
> ...I take liberties with vague prompts.

Sometimes he just wondered if it was worth the complication.

Of course he loved both Calle and Bård more than he could possibly say, and the reason he didn’t quit this odd arrangement was that he couldn’t bear to part with either one of them, and quitting would inevitably come to that. It was just that Vegard wasn’t known for his people skills and he found one conversation partner hard to maintain, let alone a couple of lovers, one of them being his own brother of all people.  
It was mostly just for fun with Calle for all those years. They never declared themselves in a relationship (not that they really got serious with anyone else), they would just… keep each other company from time to time, when they wanted it. Somehow with Bård having joined the picture, a certain sense of obligation came with him. His younger brother had always been rather needy for attention and validation, and Vegard was long used to that, but now there was also an added layer of romance he just couldn’t seem to get comfortable with. It was all just kind of exhausting, he found himself really grateful for the nights he got to spend alone several times a week.

He slumped onto his couch after a long day of travel back from an interview in another country. He’d done this one alone, Calle being unrelated to that particular subject and Bård having to keep an eye on more important things back at the office, but they at least stayed in contact via phone calls and instant messaging over the two days he was away.  
It was only 6pm, but he knew an sms from Bård was destined to come sooner or later. He got a “good night” message from him nearly every single night since they’d confessed their true feelings for each other some weeks ago. Sometimes it bugged him. He didn’t understand the need for it, since they’d usually been communicating all day anyway. Tonight he was just praying neither he nor Calle would get it into their heads to call him, because he really didn’t feel like talking.

Before he knew it he’d dozed off just by staring at the wall in front of him. He had a falling dream and his entire body jerked awake before he remembered where he was. It was completely dark now, he checked his wristwatch and found it was almost 11pm. He checked his phone next and was surprised to find he had no messages or phone calls. Despite himself he couldn’t help feeling a bit dismayed. He’d been gone for two whole days, was he not to get at least a “did you make it home okay” from either of them? and where was the “good night” message?

He convinced himself it was no big deal, forced himself to get up and drag his feet to the bedroom. He only bothered with removing his shoes, jeans and contacts before slithering under the neatly made covers, curling into a lonely little ball, his face pressed into the cold pillow, and waited for sleep to come again. Until the very moment he finally lost consciousness his ears listened for the phone on his nightstand to make any kind of noise, but it stayed uncharacteristically silent.

The next time he woke up was slow and groggy, though it was still dark. The cause seemed to be foreign movement in his bed. He kept his eyes closed and suppressed a relieved smile, pretending he was still asleep, as the two idiots whispered and giggled their way into bed with him, one on each side, and wrapped their arms and legs around him.

Totally worth it.


	12. It's Just Hair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The prompt: Could you write me one where B and V are visiting their family over christmas and everyone is laughing at Bs haircut and he slowly loses his confidence and V tries to help him?
> 
> tags: brofeels, vegard, bård, bjarte, parents, kids and wives mentioned

He didn’t actually realize what he’d done. Vegard wasn’t nearly an attentive enough person to actually notice that Bård was slowly shrinking into himself with every ridiculing remark about his buzz cut.   
Not all were malicious. Their mother just wouldn’t let go of the fact that every time she turned to look at him she wouldn’t recognize him momentarily. She was probably unaware of the fact that she’d mentioned it five times since they got there for dinner. But Bjarte was full of snarky jokes and remarks, making all the children giggle and laugh along with him.    
The wives weren’t there with them that evening, for which Bård felt sorry because he knew they both would tactfully come to his rescue long before it got anywhere near this demoralizing.

So it was, that he had only his older brother’s rational, goal oriented mind to rely on. He was trying to talk to their father about something while trying to get his middle child to stop climbing on the table, when Bjarte made his third ‘skinhead’ joke of the evening.

"Will you shut up about Bård’s hair already? It’s all anyone’s been talking about for two weeks, it’s boring. It’s just his hair, for fuck’s sake."

He didn’t shout. He didn’t seem at all angry as he patiently picked his son up and transferred him to his own lap before giving him the roll he seemed so hell bent on reaching. But something in the tone of command had the entire table of 11 people quiet down before he went back into what he was trying to tell his father.

He did not see the relieved smile his 32 year old brother gave him, nor would he ever know just how much Bård loved him at that very moment.


	13. Three in One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prompts:  
> 1) could you pls write a first time ylviscest with bard trying to seduce vegard awkwardly til vegard just goes "fuck it" and fucks him?  
> 2) there are 2 Bard fighting for Vegard's attention! Fluff, smut, whatever you like! Preferably ylviscest.  
> 3) Elevator AU: Ylvis + Calle get stuck in an elevator together. Confessions.
> 
> tags: vegard, bård, calle, ylviscest, kind of smut but not really.
> 
> I don't know what happened, I was walking down the street thinking about the first one, then suddenly the second one came in and before I knew it the third one tied them all together. You never know how things are going to work out.

So I’m lying in bed in a hotel. This is back when we were doing Norges Herligste, and it’s dark, I guess I’m trying to fall asleep, when suddenly I feel someone’s touching me under the covers. Like, running their hands across my chest and legs and arms, kind of clumsily, and I realize suddenly that it’s Bård and I get irritated and tell him to leave me alone and go to sleep. But he won’t stop, and he says, he whispers right into my ear, “come on, Vegard, I’m so horny..” wait, there’s more! and he says, “just.. just fuck me, it’s dark no one will know!”

Now, we’ve apparently been on the road so long, I’m actually starting to consider it. Like he’s been pestering me about it for days, saying things like he’s tired of masturbating and that it’s no big deal we’re just two guys helping each other out and everything. So finally, I say “fine.” and tell him to turn around, because I figure that if all I see is his back and a head of long hair I can pretend he’s a woman.  
I swear I tried, but I just can’t get this mental image out of my head. He really did look like a woman some of the time, and his moans sounded like him but also not like him, like higher pitched and feminine. So we’re fucking, so far so good, but here’s where it gets weird.

Suddenly, from behind me, another Bård wraps his arms around me and starts kissing my neck. I ask him what he’s doing here, like it’s totally normal for there to be two Bårds, and he reaches down and pulls me out of the other one and says “my turn.”

And the rest of the dream is just the two of you fighting over who gets me next and I just woke up completely exhausted and still hard, it was horrible. You wouldn’t believe how awkward it was to be lying next to you at that moment.”

 

"I could have lived the rest of my life not knowing that story. Why the hell did you tell me that?" Bård said, sitting across from him on the carpeted floor of the elevator they’d been stuck in for the past hour.

Calle was laughing his ass off.

"You said embarrassing wet dreams!"

"I meant about WOMEN??"

"I have those too, but those aren’t my most embarrassing story. You can’t top that, admit it." Vegard shrugged. He was being unbelievably blasé about it.

"I know I can’t!" Calle said, wiping tears of enjoyment from his eyes, "and I thought mine about my 70 year old teacher in 8th grade was fucked up!"

"Oh Jesus, I’ve heard enough." Bård turned his head away from the both of them in disgust, "No more talking from now on."

Calle and Vegard smiled at each other from across the elevator. Calle shook his head at him and Vegard replied with an apologetic nod.

Then suddenly Bård broke the silence;

"Alright, I’ll shave my fucking head for unicef…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel the need to bring to your attention the brilliance of the title of this story:
> 
> 1) Three prompts in one fic  
> 2) three guys in one sex dream  
> 3) three friends stuck in one elevator
> 
> AND... three meanings in one title. 
> 
> Thank you for your attention.


	14. Upside Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prompt: I've been thinking about all those times in the NH era when interviewees chose Vegard as the prettier one and also the Big Boy episode when Bård complimented him. So, can you write Bård's perspective on that, or just use it as a background of the plot you'd rather write? It can be bro feels, cest, h/c, whatevs.
> 
> tags: Bård, Vegard, first person pov, brofeels or cest - up to interpretation really
> 
> This isn't even actually a story, I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore...

It’s like the world had flipped itself upside down around us, I’m not sure I understand what happened. One minute everyone is appreciating Vegard’s exotic looks, the other suddenly I’m one of Norway’s hottest men? It never made much sense to me. 

I remember when we were traveling around the country, interviewing “Norway’s Loveliest” people. Everyone always preferred you, and I’d be the last to blame them. Something about your face is so pleasing to look at, I honestly feel like I could stare at your for hours and not get bored. I used to think that it’s because you’re so “other” than most people in Norway, with your darker features. I know I joke a lot about you being adopted, but the truth of the matter is that if you look at a family picture, I’m the odd one out. The only thing that really tells you apart from the rest of us is the combination of the color of your hair and the way it behaves. Still, there’s something about you that I’ve always found exceptional. 

I’m writing in circles… The thing I’m trying to get across is that it always made sense to me that you were considered the prettier one, even when you wore those horrible clothes and had no control over your hair. You’re a nicer person than I am, maybe that’s why. Or at least, you look like you are. 

That’s why this whole thing is so strange to me. It feels like I’ve achieved some goal, but on the other hand this is something I’ve never really aspired to, being nationally considered better looking than you. The attention is nice, but it also feels wrong. Every time someone says something about it, I feel like saying “No, but have you seen Vegard?!”  
Maybe it’s a fashion thing. Maybe you were more in fashion then and I’m more in fashion now. But in my eyes you haven’t changed. 

You’re still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. 

I love you.

Bård

p.s: don’t you dare make fun of me for writing you this, you may be pretty but I’ll still kick your ass.


	15. Tears and Anguish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prompt: Person A frantically trying to wake up person B while they’re screaming at a nightmare.
> 
> tags: vegard, calle, valle, h/c, nightmares

Vegard woke up to a trembling sensation. It was still sometime in the middle of the night, the room was pitch black and it was a moment before his eyes opened and registered what was the cause.

Calle’s hand gripped the pillowcase under his head with such tensity his whole body was shaking, his eyes tightly shut but with apparent rapid movement behind the lids. It was another nightmare. Every once in a while Vegard would wake up to this, by now he knew how to handle it. He sprang into action, only hoping to manage to wake him in time before it got worse.  Calle was already whimpering pitifully when he inched closer to him, placing his hand gently on the one holding the pillow, and planting a soft kiss on his forehead, right between his furrowed eyebrows. At first the trembling only intensified, but he held fast his gentle physical reassurance and it gradually subsided, until finally his eyes fluttered open, blinking himself slowly back to reality. He’d caught it in time.

Calle tilted his head up to receive a real kiss and breathed in deeply, taking in Vegard’s sweet scent as a sure sign of safety. No words, but tender touch and eye contact expressed his gratitude for having such a patient and affectionate partner. Vegard was more than he could ever have hoped for. 

 

He never told him what it was he kept dreaming about. Not that Vegard ever pressed the matter, he figured he didn’t owe him any explanation and would probably tell him if he wanted to. He did suggest that he get professional help, which Calle only recently finally sought, more out of guilt for Vegard having to deal with his episodes rather than any real desire to confront his own subconscious demons. So he started going to a therapist, who recommended a hypnosis session. He was told progress would be slow and it would be a while until they managed to find the source of his troubled sleep.

Scheduling appointments was a difficult task with their busy careers, and so it was that Vegard had to work until very late the day of Calle’s attempt at hypnosis therapy. He was dying to know how it went but couldn’t find the time to even call him before he finally managed to get away and drive home.  But what greeted him when he entered their shared apartment was anything but encouraging.

He could hear the thrashing all the way from the doorway and barely managed to shed his coat to the floor before he reached the bedroom on the other side of the house. Calle had gotten himself so badly tangled in the bedsheets, it was probably contributing to the already intense nightmare he was clearly suffering from. Vegard rushed to his side and tried to pull the blanket away. A throat tearing scream split through the silent apartment, making Vegard jolt away momentarily before getting a hold of himself and going for the blanket once more. Frustrated tears streamed down his face, he yanked and pulled frantically under and around Calle’s struggling and sobbing body.

Finally, the fabric came loose and Vegard threw it to the floor, but Calle was now curled up in a ball of shaking limbs, still screaming and crying incoherently, deeper into his nightmare than he’d been in months. He didn’t know what to do. He knew touching him at this point would have no positive effect on him whatsoever, but just watching him suffer like this was unbearable.  Half blinded by tears and crying himself, he ran to the kitchen and pulled a cold bottle of water from the refrigerator. He unscrewed the cap and, without thinking, emptied the bottle’s freezing contents onto Calle’s head and body. He could actually hear the change in his voice as it became more awake, more himself. When he rolled out of the way, sputtering and coughing, Vegard set the bottle aside, hugged himself and waited.  Calle’s eyes scanned the scene for a few seconds before finding Vegard’s, glistening with tears and anguish.

"So how did it go?"

Vegard’s voice cracked despite the nonchalant tone of the question and he wiped his nose before returning his arm tightly folded to his chest.

"…The hypnosis?" It took a moment for Calle to register what ‘it’ was, "It didn’t. She said I wasn’t ‘ready’ or something.. said we’ll try again next week… are you okay?"

"fuck.." Vegard huffed and shook his head in disbelief. A second later he added, "I am never working late again. Ever."

"I’m sorry.."

"It’s not your fault. you can’t control it, but I should have.."

"This isn’t your responsibility, Vegard. I don’t want you to feel like it is, even though I’m grateful for everything you do." Calle got up and approached him, placing his hands on each of his arms and touching his forehead to his. Vegard sniffed loudly and lowered his gaze, uncomfortable with how emotional he was getting.

"Well, you’re getting real help now. That’s what’s important.."

"Yes."

They stood there for a minute, collecting themselves, until Calle turned to look at the water-soaked bed.

"I guess we’re sleeping on the sofa tonight." He said, and Vegard let out a small breathy laugh.


	16. Fluffy 'cesty Shorts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn't really a prompt, but someone said they missed my fluffy 'cest writing, so I churned out a couple, inspired by a couple of gifs.
> 
> tags: ylviscest, bård, vegard, fluff, mpreg(?!)
> 
> p.s: the gifs are not mine.

> "I think you have a stray nose hair.."
> 
> "What? I do not.."
> 
> "Just tilt your head up a bit for a sec."
> 
> Vegard did as he was told and let Bård lean forward and pretend to stare up his nose. He wasn’t sure why he was doing this, Vegard never had stray nose hairs, he wasn’t that old. As Bård’s face came closer and closer to his, Vegard’s heart struggled to keep its pace for a moment in which he thought he would actually kiss him right there in front of the entire audience.   
> Why was he cooperating with this?  
> But Bård was just a nasty little tease. He soon straightened back up and took a step back, leaving Vegard to lose his balance in the unrequited anticipation.
> 
> "Nope. False alarm."
> 
>  

Kåre lay unconscious in the snow, his blood slowly coloring his surroundings an alarming shade of crimson. His three dumbstruck comrades stood a meter or two behind him, not daring to make another move against the abomination. The glare in the taller one’s eyes, the color on his knuckles matching that of the tainted snow between them. The other one’s unnatural pregnant belly pressed lightly against him, barely visible now under his coat.   
A new chill filled the air and fresh snowflakes began to fall, though they did nothing to cool the confrontation at hand. 

"You’re fucking freaks! Both of you!"

Geir screamed at them as he and his two other friends all took one of Kåre’s limbs and carried half carried, half dragged him away under their defiant, unapologetic stare.


	17. How Dare You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I made the mistake of saying I had an urge to write Vegard mpreg fanfiction and I started getting people messaging me to give in to the urge and do it.  
> Here's one scene between Bård and Vegard.   
> Most of you will probably assume it's Bård's baby too, but for you non shippers, you'll find that nowhere do I expressly mention any romantic inclination between them. You can choose to believe what you want.
> 
> tagged: bård, vegard, mpreg, fluff, brofeels/ylviscest (your choice)

 “You know, it’s just not fair..”

“What is?”

“Women look beautiful when they’re pregnant. I just look like I have a beer gut…”

Vegard stood shirtless in front of the mirror in their bedroom, eying himself from various angles while Bård lay on the bed, scrolling through twitter on his phone. “Well, I think you look beautiful.” He said, eyes not leaving the screen.  
“How would you know, you’re not even looking at me.” Vegard remarked, narrowing his eyes at his brother’s reflection in the mirror, who finally deigned to look up. 

“At least you sound like a woman,” he retorted, to which Vegard rolled his eyes. “I thought you didn’t want people to know the truth anyway. This way it just looks like you’ve let yourself go a little.. or a lot.”

Vegard turned his gaze back to his own reflection, “I don’t want people thinking I’ve let myself go either…”

“Then maybe you shouldn’t have gotten pregnant.”  
Bård knew he’d said the wrong thing as it was leaving his mouth. 

“How _dare_ you?!” Vegard’s voice was shaky with anger. He took two steps towards the bed, Bård was sure for a second he was going to hit him, but instead he snatched his grey hoodie from the bed post, put it on, zipped it up in one sharp motion and stormed out of the room. Bård stared after him at the doorway and sighed. Hormones were hormones, it didn’t much matter what gender you were. He had enough experience in this to know he should wait a few minutes before going out there to apologize.


	18. So not the plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another mpreg story, quite very different from the previous chapter.  
> Calle and Vegard are having an unplanned baby.
> 
> tagged: calle, vegard, mpreg, fluff, angst?

Calle woke up sensing the vacancy on the other side of the bed beside him. He opened his eyes and searched the dark space, until he finally spotted what he sought standing on the balcony across the room. His disheveled black curls were outlined by the yellow street light. Even though his back was turned almost completely to him, his 8-months-in-the-making stomach protruded visibly, coming between him and the railing. Calle slipped out of bed and approached his beloved partner, who didn’t even turn around to face him though surely he must have heard him opening the glass door. He wrapped his arms gently around him, resting his open palms on both sides of his belly. A moment later he felt a kick, making his heart skip.

“Can’t sleep?” He asked, planting a soft kiss on the back of his neck. Vegard sighed and tilted his head. 

“Lucifer’s apparently practicing gymnastics in there..” he said, and another bump to his stomach wall came, as if to confirm his words, making him grunt.

“Please don’t call it that..”

Vegard didn’t respond. He couldn’t help it. That’s what it felt like, a demon, a parasite trapped and growing inside his body and trying to get out. It made him wonder if other people who accidentally got pregnant felt that way too, or if he was just a bad person. 

“It can feel your resentment. Babies respond to that. You have to find a way to love it, Vegard, children get fucked up enough through their lives without feeling that their parents hate them.”

He was right, of course. He wouldn’t ever want his own child to feel unloved, but this was so not his plan… 

“I don’t know if I can..” Vegard muttered honestly. 

“Can you try?”

There was a silent pause before he answered, “Yes, I can try.”

“Good.” Calle took him by the waist and gently turned him around to face him. He placed one hand back on his stomach and kissed his lips softly before kneeling down in front of him. “In the meantime, I’ll love it enough for the both of us.” He said, and kissed the thin fabric of Vegard’s over-sized Tshirt, feeling something underneath it shift and seemingly lean into his pressed lips.


	19. Why did You do it?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the prompt: "I got drunk and sent a sexy naked pic to my ex but I sent it to you instead AU" any otp, smutty or not, your choice
> 
> tags: Bård, Vegard, Calle, balle, ylvis iii era for some reason, kind of brofeels I guess

His phone lit up with a new message in the middle of the night, but neither he nor Bård on the other side of the bed was awake to notice it. On the road with their review show Ylvis III for over three weeks, between travelling and performing the days were long and the nights exhausted. Saving up on costs, they took as few hotel rooms as possible, but no one other than Vegard was willing to deal with Bård first thing in the morning, when he was at his grumpiest, so they shared a cheap room whilst the rest of their crew was in a dormitory together down the hall. **  
**

At 5:30am Vegard’s alarm began to ring, and it was a few seconds before either of them stirred at the sound. Face still in the pillow, he reached over to the nightstand and blindly pressed the snooze button. Five more minutes…  
It rang again and this time Vegard, heaving a deep sigh, opened his eyes to look at the time. When he shut off the noise he noticed the notification at the top of his screen. 

An SMS from Calle.   
Curiosity helping to chase his sleep away, he pressed to view it and almost immediately shut his eyes.

"Jesus Christ.." 

He muttered and slowly reopened them again. Under the obscene selfie of his best friend, nude, clearly drunk and trying to look alluring, were the words “do you miss me yet?”

"Bård.."

No response.

"Bård." He said louder.

It was as if he was dead. He jammed his elbow backwards and stuck it square in Bård’s back, eliciting a loud, indignant grunt. “Wake up!”

"Fuck off!"

"You have to talk to him."

"I’m not talking to anybody, you do it."

"You don’t even know who I’m talking about."

"I don’t care. Leave me alone.." Bård curled up into a tight ball of stubbornness, knees to his chest under the blanket and face in his arms. There was no sense in being gentle with him anymore. He’s been grouchy for weeks ever since he’d inexplicably ended things with Calle before they left. This text was the last straw. Vegard grabbed one of Bård’s hands, overpowering his brother’s resistance, and placed his phone in the palm of his hand. The next second it was thrown against the wall.

"Hey!" Vegard exclaimed and climbed over him to retrieve his phone from the floor. Bård, in the meantime, turned to his other side and pulled the covers over his head. Thankfully, the device was unharmed. Vegard climbed back on the bed, straddling his brother and ripping the blanket off his face.

"What’s your fucking problem?!" Bård shouted, trying to shove Vegard off.

"I’ll show you what my fucking problem is!" Vegard growled and shoved the phone in his face. It was another second before Bård stopped struggling and registered what he was seeing on the screen. Vegard watched his expression soften against his will.

"You do miss him."

The words brought Bård back to himself and his features hardened once more. “No, I don’t.”

"Don’t lie to me. You’ve been a miserable little turd ever since you broke up with him, and he seems to be losing his mind. Why did you do it?"

"Look who’s suddenly interested in talking about feelings." Bård sneered and turned away from the picture.

"I’m only interested when I start getting porn I didn’t ask for on my phone."

Bård tried to disguise the laugh that escaped as a scoff, but Vegard wasn’t fooled.

"What the hell happened? I thought you were happy together."

Bård didn’t answer. He could barely remember why he’d done it. He supposed that he thought it would be easier, being unattached on the road for so long. The tour wasn’t even over yet, who knew if they could last that long. The idea of Calle straying and cheating on him while he was away scared him so much he decided it would be best to just grant him the freedom to do so. But deep down he knew how stupid a fear that was and therefore he would never admit it to anyone, not even Vegard. He had told Calle that he wasn’t interested in him anymore, a flat out lie which took half an hour of convincing, and even then Calle said he knew he’ll be back.

Vegard was still on top of him, but now fiddling with his phone, suddenly giving Bård a bad feeling.

"What are you doing?"

"Calling your boyfriend."

"Wh-NO!" With newfound strength Bård pulled his arms out from under his brother’s thighs and started trying to rip the phone away from him, but to no avail.

"Yes! We’re settling this now, I can’t take this shit anymo- hey, Calle? Good morning buddy! enjoying your hangover?"


	20. Make it All Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The prompt: Could you please write that 'Person A drops something and shatters glass all over the place while they’re barefoot and so are stuck in center of a field of glass shards. Enter Person B, wearing shoes, to carry Person A to safety, care for their feet, and clean up the mess' for Ylvicest I need it so bad!
> 
> tags: vegard, bård, ylviscest, fluff, injury, h/c, bleeding

Vegard was on his way back from the bathroom, walking down the hall late at night to Concorde TV’s nearly empty offices when he heard a loud crash. He stopped in his tracks, a confused crinkle between his eyebrows and listened for a few moments, until a very meek voice came from the same direction.

“Uh… Help?”

Vegard started walking again and soon reached the conference room where he’d left Bård only a few minutes ago. He was standing by the long table, looking trapped and guilty, glass shards everywhere, the rubber ball he was playing with still in his hand. 

“What happened?”

“Ball bounced off the wall and hit the light.” Bård answered, looking up at what was left of the neon light fixture right above him. It was then that Vegard noticed there were also some shards in his hair. 

“Wow. Are you okay?” Vegard took one step into the room, unavoidably crushing a few shards into smaller pieces with his shoes. This was going to be hell to get out of the carpet. 

“Um.. not really.” Bård leaned one hand on a chair beside him, wincing, and lifted one of his feet. A big piece of milky white glass was stuck right below his big toe, already some blood making its way out around it. Vegard let out a sympathetic “Oooo” and rushed forward to his aid. As if by unspoken agreement, once he reached him Bård put an arm around his shoulders as he took the injured leg into his arm. With some leverage from the table Bård swung up his other leg into Vegard’s waiting hand, and put his other hand on Vegard’s shoulder as well.  “Just don’t move your head too much, you’ve got glass in your hair..” Vegard said as he bounced him up once to adjust his grip on his younger brother, before “bride-carrying” him out of the room. Once they were past the doorway Vegard made for a couched area in the main hall. He glanced at Bård’s face and noticed the pained expression.

“Foot hurts?”

“Actually, there’s a stinging in my head.. I think some glass got in there too.”

“Oh dear, I’ll have a look at it.” Vegard expressed genuine concern as he gently placed his brother down on a sofa and stood over him, beginning to carefully pick through his hair, taking out bits of glass he could find.

“Where does it hurt?” He asked, but just as he finished his question, he found the offending piece, lodged right into the top of his scalp, “Found it. I’m going to try to pull it out. Ready?”

Bård shut his eyes and grabbed Vegard’s shirt in front of his face with both hands, closing his fists tight on the fabric. Vegard had steady hands, he trusted that he knew what he was doing. A second of searing pain shot through the nerves in his head, making him grit his teeth and whine through them, only slightly dulled after Vegard announced “There.”  
He bent down to Bård’s eye level, cupping his face in both hands.  
“I need to get some things from the first aid cabinet, okay?”

“mkay.” Bård said quietly. He tried to downplay how much he was suffering and definitely didn’t want Vegard to see how much he didn’t want him to leave, even if just for a minute. But the second Vegard walked away he scrunched his eyes shut, taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself. He was so bad at handling pain, he hated it so damn much. As a child he was always quick to cry whenever he got hurt, and beyond a certain age Vegard would even sometimes make fun of him for it. It’s not something he was proud of, and he did try to be stronger about it, but there was just something about the shock of pain that got to him, weakened his spirit and just made him want to curl up helplessly in Vegard’s arms until it went away. He could feel his own blood beginning to trickle down his forehead, and just stared at his foot across the sofa until his older brother finally came back. 

As he worked on cleaning his wounds, they reminisced about other times Bård had gotten hurt and Vegard had to take care of him in the absence of their parents. Since they were a couple of pretty active and experimental boys, it had happened quite a lot in their childhood. Within 15 minutes Vegard had him all patched up,his head cleared of glass and his foot cleaned and bandaged. 

“You’ve gotten much better at all this. When we were kids you used to make it hurt even more in the process.” Bård said with a half smile. 

“Yeah well, practice makes perfect, I suppose.” Vegard chuckled, closing the safety pin that held the bandage on his foot in place.

“All done!” He said, raising his eyes too meet his brothers with a smile.

“What?”

“That’s it, you’re all patched up.”

“But…” Bård hesitated. Vegard was forgetting the most important part, but he’d look like a silly child if he were to remind him himself. He willed him with his wide blue eyes not to make him say it and to remember himself. Thankfully, the coin dropped in the man’s head and he nodded knowingly.

“Right, of course.” He got up from his place beside Bård’s bandaged foot and leaned over him until his face was an inch from his.

“Kiss, to make it all better?” He whispered.

Bård smiled and tilted his head up, bringing their lips together for a soft kiss.  
He was feeling better already.


	21. Quarrel Over Silk and Strings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prompt: "things you said too quietly" - (Bård & Vegard) only brotherly love
> 
> tags: brofeels, ylvis 4, arguing brothers, this is extremely short I'm sorry

It was an arguing day.

Every single thing was a conflict all of a sudden. Two brothers who were normally in near perfect sync suddenly start disagreeing on the most trivial matters. And on such a day, to be working on their most difficult act in the entire show, was an extra strain. They were getting nowhere, and so Vegard had to put his foot down.

“I don’t care what you think, Bård, now shut up and climb back up. We’re doing it from the top.” He grabbed his cello by the neck and snatched its bow from the floor after two agitated, empty handed attempts.

“Sure you don’t. You’re not the one risking his neck every rehearsal.” Bård snipped, taking the silk lines and beginning to separate them while glaring at his older brother, “congratulations on learning yet another musical instrument. Nothing to fear on your end when you’ve got me to do the hard stuff.”

“That’s enough.” Vegard said sharply, silencing his brother who had nothing left but to scoff and start climbing into first position on the silk. When he was high enough Vegard turned his back to him, sitting in his chair and positioning the instrument between his legs, and mumbled too quietly to be heard, “don’t tell me i have nothing to fear when I get scared every single fucking time you go up there…”


	22. Just lick it off!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prompt: Could you please write number 11. "things you said when you were drunk" - for the brothers? (But please without angst, I can't read angst^^)
> 
> Tags: brofeels, drunk idiots, ice cream, no incest i swear

“Ah, nei..”

“What’s the matter?”

“I’ve got ice cream on my cheek.”

Vegard glanced lazily at his younger brother’s face. Indeed there was a smudge of vanilla on his cheek. He chuckled, the smile lingering slow on his face a while after the sound had stopped, and he accidentally brought up both the beer he had in one hand, and the ice cream cone he had in the other to his mouth at the same time. This confused him momentarily as both glass and cream touched his lips.

“Help me get it off, Vegard, it’s sticky.” Bård whined, wincing uncomfortably as he felt the stuff oozing down his cheek.

“My hands are full, buddy.” Vegard shrugged cheerfully, raising both objects in the air. some of the chocolate dripping to the floor, resulting in an “oh shit” and a hurried attempt to lick the stuff into a more solid piece.

“Lick it off then.”

“What did you say?”

“It’s ice cream, Vegard, just lick it off!”

Vegard burst out in an incredulous laugh, “I am NOT licking your face, Bård!”

“Oh, stop being stupid, nobody’s watching..”

“I don’t care if we’re alone in the universe, I’m not going to lick your face.”

Bård’s half focused eyes stared at him for a few seconds and then he said, “Fine.” and threw what was left of his ice cream at Vegard, grazing his jeans before it landed on the pavement.

“Hey!” Vegard jumped and looked down at his stained pants. Bård only wiped his cheek with the back of his hand and then smeared the mess on Vegard’s sleeve, eliciting a second indignant “hey!” and took another sip of his beer in the remaining silence.


End file.
